“My country is in a state of emergency. I stare at the living scarecrow known as the angel of death in the face everywhere that I turn but somehow I manage to crawl through all the dangers of the day. There was a time when I could explore a building in construction with my pals to play cha baba na cha mama. Try to do that presently and bricks will fall on you. I remember back then I could chillax with my siblings in the home and salivate for mum’s thick and tasty chapatis now police can snatch a four-year-old kid and his mother and claim that they are terrorism suspects. A while back I could face arrest from the cops for not carrying my ID card. The new Michuki rule is that I should be shot on sight with my proding fingers still searching for my ID card to show the trigger happy Boys in Blue. Their motto is Utumishi kwa wote. This should be converted to Risasi kwa Wote.”
The above piece of paranoia-induced paragraph is attributed to me. I am the assassin who has been sent from the Sin City to loot, kill and destroy. I operate more sleekly than the ancient Carlos the Jackal. You may call me Deadric the Entertainer. I have the power to pour out my confessions on the web and no one will ever dare to charge me because my cover is what people crave-Hollywood life. Yes! I drink and smoke. Puffing on that green stuff is not strange. My ghostly presence swishes through the world at the speed of death. Now I am in Kenya to spread my coal-feathered wings.
Recently, they likened me to 24. President Bush said that I am his favorite show because I tell the story of the threat of terrorism as vividly as his cloudless Texan night sky. This meant that half the time I get the wrong guy in prison. For instance, in the first few episodes of the time warping drama series, I thought that Hassad is the leader of terrorism ring instead of Al Fayed. Later, I arrested the dad of a real terrorist thus effectively giving his son room to close up the link of a nuclear bomb attack. Of course I am smarter than this. I laugh at the leader of the free world Ha Ha Ha!
My procedure of creating death or the image of it is so simple that I would easily succeed as a politician. I appoint A-List actors who have never graced the Oscar Awards’ red carpet and simply give them my script. Let me introduce you to one of my schemes that came together a few days ago in Central Province. I sent a figment of my imagination to claim that their were thieves at a certain road. Luckily my teenage target was in the vicinity. He was shot five times but still wriggled out of my hands. This miraculous event was highlighted in NTV news and despite the 40 shots that missed the non-existent thugs and hurt my innocent victim no cop was arrested. It may be possible that that if 41 bullets were fired then the police could have wounded the thief on his 40th day (Siku za mwizi ni arobaini). Even when things go wrong I still come out on top.
My next victims actually died. This took place at Kariokor, Nairobi. Two thugs were caught by the public and handed over to the police. They were then shot down in cold blood. My policemen cum actors said that the thugs shot at them even though their arms were tied up and their gun magazines emptied while being pursued by the public.
Our Kenyan Muslim brothers got trapped in my most successful scheme yet. A number of them were arrested and deported to Somalia because they were suspected Al Qaeda fans and not Kenyan citizens. Their leaders complained that 25 of them were valid citizens and presented evidence of their Kenyan papers including their direct lineage to other citizens. My actors did an exemplary job in denying this. It has been months since these Kenyan families have seen their sons and daughters. As a result, the Muslims are planning to disrupt the IAAF Cross Country Championships to be held in Mombasa next Saturday.
An ODM activist recently suffered in my hands. The lady’s name was Mary Mbandi. She dared to contradict the First Lady’s views on the opposition and did not know that I had my actors present to make sure that such a ‘crime’ is broadcasted. She was briskly whisked away into the Criminal Investigations Department Headquarters but was lucky that her plight was aired in the media before I could take over.
Our revered wild animals in National Parks and Reserves are not spared either. I am in the process of creating a need for sport hunting. Could Lord Delamere once again cock his gun from remand and shoot another ‘human animal’ may be a Prison Guard or two? Anyway, I am trying desperately to find actors who will quickly set out the agenda that closes out the communities who need to benefit from this income generating activity.
