PUZZLES OF LIFE
After all this time white people still can’t dance.
Since Einstein their have been no revolutionary original geniuses.
The world’s poorest always have the most kids.
Down or up, what do women want with the toilet seat?
All serial killers just happen to be Caucasian whether in reality or movies.
5 Star hotels literally throw out tonnes of fresh food each day (NB: This food is rarely touched by the guest including unopened soft drinks).
Kenyan housemaids always tend to have either a green skirt and a red shirt or vice versa that they always wear together.
The length of ones arm i.e wrist to elbow, is one’s shoe size.

A Hole in the wall in CHORA BIZNA competition
Kujandani Amateur Business School (KABS) professor wannabes have been keenly perusing Postbank’s Chora Bizna business proposal competition. Its been noted that while there is a provision to ensure confidentiality of any submitted ideas the fine print absolves the proprietors and judges of the competition from any legal action from vijana kama sisi. In the final page of the form that one is supposed to fill before submission, it clearly states that one has agreed not to bring up any lawsuit against the guys behind the executive desk. So what’s the point of them promising confidentiality? But I did take my idea nevertheless. The 100 bob I had to pay before submission was chump change compared to what I went through preparing a convincing 3 page executive summary. I now know more about what I should put into achieving my journey to millionairehood. May the best win the KSh. 1 million on the roulette destined for the top proposal of among the thousands!

TV Anchors Galore 2:sequel from bugzzalot.blog.com

Mwanaisha Chidzuga happens to have discovered that she has a ‘prominent’ head thus styles her hair appropriately. She now looks damn good. The cameras love her.

Julie Gichuru happens to be one of the few women who look good while slim. (Apologies, but I revere plump chics. Hey! I’m African).

Louis Otieno, Catherine Kasavuli and Swaleh Mdoye were shown the money and quickly moved from KTN to Citizen TV. Kasavuli can be excused for moving, the young shorty-so-seductive Lilian Muli would have eventually kicked her out of the spotlight and off the radar. Swaleh always follows the money since he had initially shifted from NTV to KTN. He should have married Nyatichi Nyasani, who has tasted all the flavors of broadcasting stations, but she’s already taken. As for Louis Otieno, he was dominating the talk show ranking as a result of his probing interviews in KTN’s Newsline. To him, wrong move!

And now…the all time controversial question, who is more fly, Lilian Muli or Peninah Karibe? Of course! Lilian. She’s got the eyes, the megawatt smile plus the dimples. I’ve seen and spoken to her in person and she is no video chic. What you see is what you get (except for the new weave!). Peninah hmmm… she’s definitely beautiful but she is more of the girl-next-door than Muli. With all the 10’s swaying their curvy hips in the City you might miss to see Penny in a crowd but Muli… Despite her professional English accent, Muli speaks sheng’ as if she invented it. She was definitely Nairobi Eastlands bred (ghetto gal).

Ahmed Dharwesh and news anchoring veteran Njoroge Mwaura strangely resemble each another. Look carefully, bald, round head and calm smile. They also have the same type of appropriate comments about news. The only difference is that one is in Swa news and the other English.

Theory of the Silicon Valley 3: Life after death

This series of postings finally come to an end today. The economic bubble has burst and pyramid schemes have been on the spotlight after it was revealed that broke Kenyans were being taken for a ride. When I wrote the first part of this theory at bugzzalot.blog.com, I based my projections on real rumors and street facts but all of these proved to be true. The akina Donde that I referred to as running the money churning and burning schemes happened to be a man named George Donde, who I don’t think has any relation to former MP Joe Donde (???).

Since the government is currently on the rampage to bring down the failing pyramid schemes, George decided to call an apparent AGM of its members. He is the manager of the Deci scheme and now claims that it was run on the principles of a Savings and Credit Co-operative (SACCO). To defend the shortage of pay ups, he added that the guys who invested huge sums of money in the hope of doubling them were the same guys holding back the payments to the small investors. After this speech, he virtually flew out of the general meeting and avoided any questions. It is obvious that he is trying to give an excuse for Deci’s inability to pay the wise guys who had invested six figure sums. Any investor worth his/her penny should have known that investing a lot of cash in a pyramid scheme was bound to fail. On top of this, one can’t dare invest ‘money that matters’ in these shaky pyramids.

Moving on to more sane issues, the Professor wannabes at Kujandani think that the Access Kenya (ISP) IPO is going to open trading at the Nairobi Stock Exchange (NSE) at a high share price. The shares were offered at KSh.10 but limited to a minimum of 5000 shares to each buyer. This locked out most retail investors and created a can’t-get-but-must-have situation where the small timers will still want a piece of Access Kenya when it is officially listed. As a result, the initial trading will automatically raise the share price by a large margin. Our wannabes might not have the rulebook of the NSE but speculative trading can be as predictable as it is unpredictable.

KABS also stumbled upon a sweet idea while perusing the books at our roach infested research institution. What if Celtel and Safaricom agreed to offer subscribers the opportunity to have a single SIM card but be able to use it on either network! The core logistic problem would be the maintenance of a database of users and harmonizing of the terms of contract for each network. Competitive value would be gained by different niche services of each network. This is already in place in South Africa. But with all the CCK (Communications Commission of Kenya) setbacks blocking the opening up of the market and the reluctance of Safcom and Celtel collaborating in averaging price rates across their networks, this may remain a wannabe’s dream!

KQ507: A SURVIVOR HAS BEEN REPORTED

Mondays are usually gloomy but the sunrise of today brought darkness in my heart code named KQ507. It all began in the weekend on a slow Saturday afternoon. I had just arrived home from running errands. Incidentally, on that day, I met a number of my old friends from campus and there was a good feeling in the air. I must admit that when I overheard in the 4 o’clock news that a plane belonging to our national air carrier was missing, I never took it seriously. This has always been the habit with the 4p.m news on NTV and KTN. I even managed to catch up with my much-deprived sleep.

I awoke with a sense of alertness that kept fading away intermittently. Without further thought, I buried myself in a cell phone game until the 7p.m news hit the airwaves. He solemn face of KTN’s Swahili news anchor, Mwanaisha Chidzuga drew me back to a pending tragedy. My head was suddenly engulfed in a se of worry. There was a name that rang in the head and my cell quickly regained its primary use. She had recently been hired to work for Kenya Airways and though chances were that she had not yet taken her maiden flight, this was not the time to throw dice! I keyed in the number and the phone was answered before the third ring to my relief. The voice on the othe end was comfortingly familiar and the first question that I asked was, “Uko Kenya?”

“Ndio,” she replied in a rather shaky voice. She informed me that she was ‘freaking out’ at the thought of one of her friends being in the ill fated flight. I found myself telling her to pray. And she was not the only person who I knew to be working for KQ as an in flight attendant!

The worry of the victim’s relatives for the past few days cannot be put in words. At least I knew that my friend was not on duty in the plane. Their muscles must be spastic from the overwhelming wait to learn the fate of their loved ones from the time that they were officially reported missing on 5^th May, 2007. We all now know that the plane crashed in Cameroon after the debris was found in a swamp south of the town of Doula. So far, only bodies have been found. In my heart of hearts I strangely still hold the hope of hearing,

“A survivor has been reported…”

Conje still rules!

Despite the recent defeats at the hands of American fighters, Conjestina Achieng’ still rules the African Boxing arena. No fighter in the continent has matched up to her brash talk, swagger and skill. Since Conje, everyone knows something about boxing. She brought the sport back to life although it was never really dead. The press follows her every single move. She even attracted the attention of the money churning American boxing industry. She forced Channel One to air live Saturday Boxing matches.

She is one of the few athletes who is publicly endorsed by a local company i.e. Tuzo Dairy. Her Billboards are all over Nairobi with phrases like “Tuzo gives your teeth the strength to withstand a punch from Conje” (or something like that) and “Tuzo gives you the energy to keep up with Conje”. I hope she just keeps her head screwed right to see her legacy blossom to the great heights that its destined to go. I’m sure that she is bagging some real cash now. Her struggles are worth it.

K-Street Carnival: What the heck was that?

The venue: Nairobi’s Koinange Street

a.k.a: Red Light District

Day: Saturday 8^th, 2007 (During Easter holz)

Time: All day and night

Verdict: Pure crap!

Other comments: How dare the organizers called it a Carnival- they should check the meaning of the word. It was just a cheap concert, no parade, no real dancers, no matching bands, no mascots, no influential personalities, no city mayor, no nothing. There was a single stage with speakers, a few kids, under the rock performers and bored youth who if not for the Easter Season would have been somewhere else.