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The questions after the answers (Re-UP)

2007-11-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

Tiz been too long since I posted my crap on this personal space but I have been getting most of guys’ comments on e-mail (thansk a bunchk).

Am I a millionaire?

I thought that the next time I would jot anything here, I would be a millionaire. Guess what! I’m still scraping the bottom of the African keg pot. I cannot complain much though. My vision is still alive and burning. By the way, anyone who needs a video operator and editor, just holla! At least I am getting a few side hustles to push me into the not so bleak future.

Every verse in hiphop seems to be an extension of the ‘bling’ culture. Just imagine if all rappers were banned from dropping lines that speak directly about the dolla dolla bill. 80% of the songs out there would not exist. Crunk would die and underground cats would be ruling the charts. The problem would be- will anyone be buying the music? We are all in love with the legal greenery that lines our pockets.

Am I ODM or PNU?

Frankly, I’ll answer that at the ballot box. The majimbo issue is not as contentious as it’s hyped up to be. After all, it can’t be implemented until the constitution is changed and that will be in 6 months as proposed by ODM. So why is everyone panicking? It will be up to us anyway! Si ati Raila akiingia majimbo itamfuata!!

FYI, I have a voting card so I can afford to piss people off diplomatically.

Am I married?

Sadly, NO but half of my friends are, so am not a bachelor through diffusion. Whether it’s come-we-stay or customary like the Prezzi’s second…(Oops! Mama Lucy might just raid my blog). Aaaanywho, mtaa yangu has so many fly sweet mamas who are hooked up and knocked up that every time I want to talk to any of the beautiful ones (who were already born and married) I’ve learnt to be very very wary. But people are still cheating on each other!! Oh yes! We have two (NOT one but TWO!) neighborhood sleeping mats who happen to be ‘married’.

Do I have internet on my phone?

The answer is no. I have porn on my phone that I can’t avoid (Kirk Franklin should be my role model). At least, he tore free of this habit. Every site I visit on the phone has an uninvited link to an over 21 cybersex site. From chat rooms to ringtone sites, they just happen to pop up in your face.

And any sensible download has issues with my handset such as “Error: subscribe for packet data”. Is there any help out there since Safcom’s Customer Care does not CARE? Their help centers are always like the traffic jam (honey, peanut butter etc.)in the city. I might just switch to Celtel but all my pals are locked in the same trap.

Am I complaining about hawkers?

Doesn’t matter since I don’t have a car and I can buy stuff at a price next to free and still bargain. But I’ve noticed that Nairobi now officially has peak hours at all hours. I must admit that juzi I was conned very sleekly. A man quickly approached me as I walked in the streets and proudly announced that he was giving me three pairs of socks for free. This obviously knocked my socks off (no pun intended). Just when I extended my hand to get them, he held back and added that I had to buy another two pairs first at 200 bob. He urged me that his boss was just on the opposite side of the road gauging his skill at sales so I got to decide in a hurry. With all my emotions aptly stimulated and twisted , I accepted the deal since I had extra cash. It is only later that I realized that I had paid for each and every pair because in Nairobi one does not have to search far to get a pair of socks at 40 shillings. 5 pairs for 40 bob!! Ati he had convinced me that the three are free.

LASTLY, GUESS WHO'S BACK??

THE MILLION SHILLING TIME OUT!

2007-07-21T06:51:00.001-07:00

Fans, Haters and Fellow countrymen, I am taking a time out from the blog just to get my ish together! Tafadhali eleweni. Asante for all your support. I'm still trying to get that million by the time I hit 25-A FEW MONTHS TO GO... Call it faith!!!!!!!!!!! And I have zilch in my pocket

Here are the 500,000 jobs for 2007

2007-07-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

There is a possibility that the elusive job market has just uncovered a new avenue for generating the half a million jobs that the government promised to create each year. The Music Copyright Society of Kenya (MCSK) recently decided to implement the long-standing law of collecting royalties from public performances. This law is common in several countries. I can only imagine how many people will be needed to implement it in Kenya since the below will be possible culprits:
The noisy rebellious teenager
The village shop
Churches
All exhibition stalls
All bars (I mean absolutely ALL bars)
Concerts
Radio stations
Buses and matatus
1 moon (not star) hotels a.k.a vibandas
Mama Pima’s illicit joint
Company organized events
Politician’s campaign ralies (Coming soon)
All legit and shady radio stations (The ones that just happen to invade the frequencies of Kiss/Capital/Easy FM that you love to listen to)
Graduation parties
Weddings
Funerals
Etc etc.

MCSK promises to implement this law to the letter. If they are to collect from all these guys then they will definitely need an infinite amount of labor.

Come. Let us reason together???

2007-06-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

Come. Let us reason together.The following takes place between 12a.m. and 2a.m at a date x in the year 2007...
The Mungiki Defense Council (MDC), the Kenyan Cabinet and ODM-Kenya’s consensus committee formerly known as the council of elders (plus a few of the party’s big wigs) met at an undisclosed venue to discuss the recent massacres and/or beheadings conducted by both sides on innocent victims.

MDC were accused by the cabinet of the recent spate of killings in and around the Central province and the illegal distribution of human body parts to various villages. They in turn argued that the government could be blamed for a similar thing. The police killed 21 people in one night. ODM’s Raila Odinga claimed that only two out of the 21 were Mungiki. When he was requested to provide proof he said that he would present the list soon to parliament. Our internal security minister, John Michuki proclaimed that if this was so then why had no one openly declared the innocence of any of the 21. William Ruto blamed the honorable minister of scaring the wits out of the Mathare people, where the massacre had taken place. He added that there is no person in their right mind who would like to be associated with the Mungiki in any way at this point in time lest either the police or the MDC puts his/her head on a platter.

Amid the smell of tobacco snuff and underwearless MDC, one of them protested that the government had previously promised them land just after winning the elections in 2002. Njenga Karume laughed and muttered that this never happened but now that the matter was being discussed it might as well be used for negotiation. Never mind his rumored relation to Ndura Waruinge and Maina Njenga who were both leaders of the dreaded sect. Hon. Fred Gumo shot back by asking why the Defense Minister was considering negotiations with savages who like walking commando style. He further added that they were probably skinning their victims and making underwears from them. One of the tobacco chewing MDC shouted that they only drank blood. His colleagues stared at him with some disgust plus a dose of utter astonishment. He had broken the oath of secrecy that had been taken by some Central Province leaders at a meeting at Village Inn just after the 2002 elections as alleged by a certain MP.

Hon Raila shifted his ‘Gor Mahia’ goal posts to attack the absence of President Kibaki at the meeting. He argued that this was tantamount to assuming that the Mungiki matter was not being taken seriously by the government. The only man in the Kibaki government, Minister Martha Karua, defended her boss by telling off the feigned concern from Raila. She said that the President did not have to be present to prove that the matter was of national importance. After this, she queried why the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) had to interview a Mungiki spokesman when the government had adequate representatives to speak on the issue. Mutula Kilonzo quipped that they probably trust Mungiki rather than the legit Kenyan leadership judging from how the government had treated John Githongo, the man who ‘tried’ to uncover the several cover-ups of the Anglo-Leasing scandals.

The meeting ended abruptly when a new crisis arose. There had been a bomblast at close to Ambasedeur Hotel. The Mungiki were apparently to blame since almost all the suspects who were arrested were proclaimed to just have been plucked from the streets because of their Arabian look and wear!
NB: The above is a work of fiction any resemblance to true characters is VERY intended and NOT coincidental.

BUDGET 2007/8
My cell phone was pick-pocketed (so I’m not connected) a while ago but I expected our Honorable Finance Minister Amos Kimunya to at least reduce tax on our ever competing mobile service providers, Safaricom and Celtel. Juzi my pal discovered the beauty of the M-Pesa money transfer service from Saf’com. He was at initially skeptical about using such a way of sending money but after following the instructions and confirming that the money had virtually moved from Nairobi to Kakamega in less than a few minutes he had one thing to say, ”Daddie, si hii kitu ni noma”. Safcom has now reduced all tariffs despite the government stand… Damn that thief!

The point is a cell phone is a core instrument in communication. In addition to the normal biz of talking, one can surf the net, share photos, shoot vidz and police can track down a thug! How could have the minister excused his mishap by claiming that the increased budget allocation for laying of fibre optic cable would eventually aid ICT. This is true but who is willing to wait for the years of tenders and procurements to implement this. Not me, when I watch the 2010 World Cup live in South Africa I might just extend my stay!

And since when was mineral water a luxury? I have seen friends nearly pass away from the degradable state of normal tap water (They allegedly use chalk instead of chlorine for purification!) Please give us a break Kimunyesnyes! Let us drink and stay healthy. Do not increase excise tax on this commodity… I guess that I am preaching to the choir.

Since the Women’s Fund is up and running, children also need a peek into the legal tender vaults?!

What's goin on?

2007-06-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

CapitalFM vs. KissFM
Ever since KissFM snatched the Fanta CHAT (Chaguo la Teeniez) Award from CapitalFM earlier this year, invisible battle lines have been drawn between the two radio stations. The latest campaigns are geared towards drawing the enemy lines. A few weeks ago Kiss conducted a win-a-dream-Victorian-wedding campaign that was beautiful but splattered with the harsh colors of controversy. There were claims that the winners just happened to be also close friends of the stations management.

Recently, CapitalFM has been advertising a chance for a makeover of a lucky winner. The ad begins with a majestic voice-over promise of a complete transformation of the winner. The scream of an overjoyed lady follows then the voice declares, “No! We’re not going to get you married!”

All I can say is – DIRECT HIT!

Koinange: Out of CNN?
There are nasty rumors creeping about that the incomparable baritone-voiced Jeff Koinange was thrown out of the Cable News Network due to fabricating stories about Africa. The former KTN (Kenya Television Network) journalist, who rose through the ranks of CNN at the speed of tomorrow’s breaking news, was accused of paying for opportunities to tell stories. He allegedly had an affair with his producer (or something/someone). They later crossed wires and a fall out ensued resulting in his demise and revealing of his ‘dirty shuka’. Apart from Zhane Verjee, who now plies her trade in Asia, he is the only other Kenyan reporter who can lay claim to setting the agenda when it came to stories about Africa. He is a married man and great reporter… Please say it ain’t so!

The best job in Kenya
The continually beautiful Janet Mbugua is the person with the best job in Kenya. She is the lucky host of Out and About Travel Show on KTN. Check out a sample of her job description
v Ability to look good under the sun
v Ability to tolerate having your 30 minutes of fame every week while in casual wear
v Ability to eat a five star meal
v Ability to travel
v Ability to talk and smile
v Ability to attend a spa
v Ability to boil an egg in Lake Bogoria
v Ability to enjoy sailing
v Ability to pay for absolutely nothing in terms of travel expenses while still receiving a salary.
Even a retired president does not come a light year close to that!?

Ambition of Kenyan Wannabe Millionaires

2007-06-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

These are strange times in my web of thoughts. Nothing seems to be lining up to spin off some weird idea. May be I’ve been breaking my back to please whoever it is who pushes the pen to write the story of my life. It might be God, my boss and/or me.

I have in the past few weeks been meeting with several of my pals from high school or campus. It is always nice to see a familiar face from my slowly aging past. Some told me that I‘ve not changed one bit. What’s your secret? One might ask. Nothing, I’m still young by any standards.

Well, these few weeks are forming a chain of links that seems to be preparing me for something. I’ve particularly had this sinking feeling the whole of this week that something is about to happen. This is because like any human being I fear the unknown but in the last few days its been worsening. I think that this might just be a heightened level of paranoia since I’ve some new life projects that will certainly be left at the hands of others. I have done all that I could. Now, I can only leave everything else to hope.

A few days ago my dad was serving me a dish of how I can be all that I can be. These talks usually arise when he is slightly tipsy. Alcohol does that to the otherwise introverted emotions of most men. I’m starting to learn that as much as I try to control my destiny, there is always someone else pushing the buttons. The trick is to learn how and when to respond to the commands/opportunity. I pray…

Mysterious ladies in my life are all either on the verge of friendship or courtship. I feel young and breath young yet think old. It is said that the young are taking over. My non-existent voters card will suddenly be important. But whom should I ballot for. I still feel short changed.

“Ndio hii barabara. Si mnaiona. Kazi inafanyika” is simply not enough. I see wealth so it’s just a matter of touching it. I am sure it’s going to stream down sooner than I think. I can see more opportunities. I am taking more opportunities. I am creating more opportunities. But that is also not enough. I read somewhere that entrepreneurship does not necessarily mean financial independence but it surely means that there will be no more chained brains in future Kenyan generations. Every time that I have met anyone from the past, they have asked the question What do you do? or What you up to? At least so far there have been concretely truthful answers but I still have an itch on my ambitious skin. Yesterday my supervisor warned me against tending to veer off outside normal thought protocol (Yeah, company principals- you know!). I saw some and no point in this because most of the time I ended up stopping an error that might have blown up in our faces. It’s all about regulating the purported idle time in my head. Veering off along this mental road is allowed so long as I do not crash.

I wonder how it is possible for a few tobacco snuffing, mountain worshipping youth to kill their own in order to further a selfishly thought out agenda. Mungiki adherents are lost somewhere in between cannibalism and human sacrifice. The very people they are apparently trying to help are the same ones that they are killing. Their leaders are meanwhile seating at the top echelons of government. How can we negotiate on such terms? But at the same time the police are killing citizens without question. 21 people died in Mathare in a single night a few days ago in the name of getting rid of the Mungiki menace. None of them was used to rat out the workings of the cannibals. This definitely means that the government has finally owned up to the fact that they know these murderous agents. The Kibaki rulership has a tendency to self destruct. Amid all these chaos there is still the Ambition of Wannabe Millionaires. Most youth who want to ‘actually earn’ their hard earned cash.

2007-05-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

PUZZLES OF LIFE
After all this time white people still can’t dance.
Since Einstein their have been no revolutionary original geniuses.
The world’s poorest always have the most kids.
Down or up, what do women want with the toilet seat?
All serial killers just happen to be Caucasian whether in reality or movies.
5 Star hotels literally throw out tonnes of fresh food each day (NB: This food is rarely touched by the guest including unopened soft drinks).
Kenyan housemaids always tend to have either a green skirt and a red shirt or vice versa that they always wear together.
The length of ones arm i.e wrist to elbow, is one’s shoe size.

A Hole in the wall in CHORA BIZNA competition
Kujandani Amateur Business School (KABS) professor wannabes have been keenly perusing Postbank’s Chora Bizna business proposal competition. Its been noted that while there is a provision to ensure confidentiality of any submitted ideas the fine print absolves the proprietors and judges of the competition from any legal action from vijana kama sisi. In the final page of the form that one is supposed to fill before submission, it clearly states that one has agreed not to bring up any lawsuit against the guys behind the executive desk. So what’s the point of them promising confidentiality? But I did take my idea nevertheless. The 100 bob I had to pay before submission was chump change compared to what I went through preparing a convincing 3 page executive summary. I now know more about what I should put into achieving my journey to millionairehood. May the best win the KSh. 1 million on the roulette destined for the top proposal of among the thousands!

TV Anchors Galore 2:sequel from bugzzalot.blog.com

2007-05-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

Mwanaisha Chidzuga happens to have discovered that she has a ‘prominent’ head thus styles her hair appropriately. She now looks damn good. The cameras love her.

Julie Gichuru happens to be one of the few women who look good while slim. (Apologies, but I revere plump chics. Hey! I’m African).

Louis Otieno, Catherine Kasavuli and Swaleh Mdoye were shown the money and quickly moved from KTN to Citizen TV. Kasavuli can be excused for moving, the young shorty-so-seductive Lilian Muli would have eventually kicked her out of the spotlight and off the radar. Swaleh always follows the money since he had initially shifted from NTV to KTN. He should have married Nyatichi Nyasani, who has tasted all the flavors of broadcasting stations, but she’s already taken. As for Louis Otieno, he was dominating the talk show ranking as a result of his probing interviews in KTN’s Newsline. To him, wrong move!

And now…the all time controversial question, who is more fly, Lilian Muli or Peninah Karibe? Of course! Lilian. She’s got the eyes, the megawatt smile plus the dimples. I’ve seen and spoken to her in person and she is no video chic. What you see is what you get (except for the new weave!). Peninah hmmm… she’s definitely beautiful but she is more of the girl-next-door than Muli. With all the 10’s swaying their curvy hips in the City you might miss to see Penny in a crowd but Muli… Despite her professional English accent, Muli speaks sheng’ as if she invented it. She was definitely Nairobi Eastlands bred (ghetto gal).

Ahmed Dharwesh and news anchoring veteran Njoroge Mwaura strangely resemble each another. Look carefully, bald, round head and calm smile. They also have the same type of appropriate comments about news. The only difference is that one is in Swa news and the other English.

Theory of the Silicon Valley 3: Life after death

2007-05-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

This series of postings finally come to an end today. The economic bubble has burst and pyramid schemes have been on the spotlight after it was revealed that broke Kenyans were being taken for a ride. When I wrote the first part of this theory at bugzzalot.blog.com, I based my projections on real rumors and street facts but all of these proved to be true. The akina Donde that I referred to as running the money churning and burning schemes happened to be a man named George Donde, who I don’t think has any relation to former MP Joe Donde (???).

Since the government is currently on the rampage to bring down the failing pyramid schemes, George decided to call an apparent AGM of its members. He is the manager of the Deci scheme and now claims that it was run on the principles of a Savings and Credit Co-operative (SACCO). To defend the shortage of pay ups, he added that the guys who invested huge sums of money in the hope of doubling them were the same guys holding back the payments to the small investors. After this speech, he virtually flew out of the general meeting and avoided any questions. It is obvious that he is trying to give an excuse for Deci’s inability to pay the wise guys who had invested six figure sums. Any investor worth his/her penny should have known that investing a lot of cash in a pyramid scheme was bound to fail. On top of this, one can’t dare invest ‘money that matters’ in these shaky pyramids.

Moving on to more sane issues, the Professor wannabes at Kujandani think that the Access Kenya (ISP) IPO is going to open trading at the Nairobi Stock Exchange (NSE) at a high share price. The shares were offered at KSh.10 but limited to a minimum of 5000 shares to each buyer. This locked out most retail investors and created a can’t-get-but-must-have situation where the small timers will still want a piece of Access Kenya when it is officially listed. As a result, the initial trading will automatically raise the share price by a large margin. Our wannabes might not have the rulebook of the NSE but speculative trading can be as predictable as it is unpredictable.

KABS also stumbled upon a sweet idea while perusing the books at our roach infested research institution. What if Celtel and Safaricom agreed to offer subscribers the opportunity to have a single SIM card but be able to use it on either network! The core logistic problem would be the maintenance of a database of users and harmonizing of the terms of contract for each network. Competitive value would be gained by different niche services of each network. This is already in place in South Africa. But with all the CCK (Communications Commission of Kenya) setbacks blocking the opening up of the market and the reluctance of Safcom and Celtel collaborating in averaging price rates across their networks, this may remain a wannabe’s dream!

KQ507: A SURVIVOR HAS BEEN REPORTED

2007-05-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

Mondays are usually gloomy but the sunrise of today brought darkness in my heart code named KQ507. It all began in the weekend on a slow Saturday afternoon. I had just arrived home from running errands. Incidentally, on that day, I met a number of my old friends from campus and there was a good feeling in the air. I must admit that when I overheard in the 4 o’clock news that a plane belonging to our national air carrier was missing, I never took it seriously. This has always been the habit with the 4p.m news on NTV and KTN. I even managed to catch up with my much-deprived sleep.

I awoke with a sense of alertness that kept fading away intermittently. Without further thought, I buried myself in a cell phone game until the 7p.m news hit the airwaves. He solemn face of KTN’s Swahili news anchor, Mwanaisha Chidzuga drew me back to a pending tragedy. My head was suddenly engulfed in a se of worry. There was a name that rang in the head and my cell quickly regained its primary use. She had recently been hired to work for Kenya Airways and though chances were that she had not yet taken her maiden flight, this was not the time to throw dice! I keyed in the number and the phone was answered before the third ring to my relief. The voice on the othe end was comfortingly familiar and the first question that I asked was, “Uko Kenya?”

“Ndio,” she replied in a rather shaky voice. She informed me that she was ‘freaking out’ at the thought of one of her friends being in the ill fated flight. I found myself telling her to pray. And she was not the only person who I knew to be working for KQ as an in flight attendant!

The worry of the victim’s relatives for the past few days cannot be put in words. At least I knew that my friend was not on duty in the plane. Their muscles must be spastic from the overwhelming wait to learn the fate of their loved ones from the time that they were officially reported missing on 5^th May, 2007. We all now know that the plane crashed in Cameroon after the debris was found in a swamp south of the town of Doula. So far, only bodies have been found. In my heart of hearts I strangely still hold the hope of hearing,

“A survivor has been reported…”

2007-05-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

Conje still rules!

Despite the recent defeats at the hands of American fighters, Conjestina Achieng’ still rules the African Boxing arena. No fighter in the continent has matched up to her brash talk, swagger and skill. Since Conje, everyone knows something about boxing. She brought the sport back to life although it was never really dead. The press follows her every single move. She even attracted the attention of the money churning American boxing industry. She forced Channel One to air live Saturday Boxing matches.

She is one of the few athletes who is publicly endorsed by a local company i.e. Tuzo Dairy. Her Billboards are all over Nairobi with phrases like “Tuzo gives your teeth the strength to withstand a punch from Conje” (or something like that) and “Tuzo gives you the energy to keep up with Conje”. I hope she just keeps her head screwed right to see her legacy blossom to the great heights that its destined to go. I’m sure that she is bagging some real cash now. Her struggles are worth it.

K-Street Carnival: What the heck was that?

The venue: Nairobi’s Koinange Street

a.k.a: Red Light District

Day: Saturday 8^th, 2007 (During Easter holz)

Time: All day and night

Verdict: Pure crap!

Other comments: How dare the organizers called it a Carnival- they should check the meaning of the word. It was just a cheap concert, no parade, no real dancers, no matching bands, no mascots, no influential personalities, no city mayor, no nothing. There was a single stage with speakers, a few kids, under the rock performers and bored youth who if not for the Easter Season would have been somewhere else.

Wild Easter Holiday Blues-Chapter 2: Why Prison Break Season 3 will be a drag

2007-04-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Since the strip club turned out to induce claustrophobia within me, I began thinking about a Prison Break. It was part of the Easter holiday activities that were on the Kujandani Menu. BA (Bootleg Addicts) degree holders had managed to get episode 12-20 of the Prison Break (Season 2) super series. We chucked out of the strip club at around 3 in the morn after gauging the dancers on a scale of 1-10. I remember there was a yellow page (fair skinned) girl, who was a 9 then an 8 and the rest were 6s and even a 4. The club manager was very polite compared to most nightclubs that I have frequented. He was discreetly walking around and noting any lax service from the waiters/waitresses. That’s mostly cause the club is still young and trying to establish its fame.

We found our way back to the bachelors pad in the early morning cold. After waking just before midday, we immediately slotted in the Prison Break DVD. This meant that we put our cell phones on vibrate, stacked pillows on our seats and drew the curtains. It was just going to be Schofield, Burrows, Sarah, Teabag, Special Agent Alex, The Company and us.

We watched na mshangao as Teabag went through psychosis, The Company operated with impunity, the FBI sweated the escaped convicts and a president getting blackmailed. As expected, the complicated maze of drama left us in the Lost and Found box of twists. In the end, we came to a single but painful conclusion; there is no need for Season 3.

The Professor Wannabes at Kujandani Observatory put forth the following reasons for the non-existence of the 3rd season:
All the evidence that the brothers had to bring down the company was gone. The tape that incriminates the president cannot be used in court and was rendered invalid after she resigned. In addition, the original tape cannot be found.
Terrence Steadman (president’s brother) is dead and he was the only witness who could prove Lincoln Burrow’s innocence. His body cannot be identified.
The above reasons bring us to the final interpretation. There is really no reason for the company to kill the two brothers. All they have is hearsay.

If the writers want to force a story line for the hat trick season then they cannot score with The Company. They should just stick to the normal chase of fugitives and the cash that Teabag had. In that case Special agent Alex will have his family back in the safe zone therefore Schofield’s arch enemy will be invalid. This still brings us back to the necessity of The Company to make Season 3 a success. But the gamble will lead to a story that drags on and on. What will finally happen is what made Lost loose the momentum gained in its debut season.

Conspiracy Theory: What is it about Kenyan oil prices

2007-04-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

The oil industry in Kenya is tired of being harassed by the Minister of Energy who just tabled the Energy Bill. The 1% of the Kenyans that control 20% of the Kenyan economy cannot entertain such bills that give the government lee way to control rising oil prices in order to protect poor Kenyans. It was found vital that the oil companies collabo with the Kenya Pipeline Company (KPC). The company decided to bring about a purported shortage of oil at their Mombasa pipelines. First, it was said that there was a broken pipeline then this changed to a comment by the MD of KPC who claimed that everything is at full capacity. It conveniently makes sure that the companies eat off the consumer by raising prices before the bill is enacted on July 1st 2007. Hon. Kiraitu entered agreements with the oil company and his job was to make sure that it looks like the government confirms the fake shortage. It’s an election year and that’s why he was paid off. There allegedly is someone with a tape somewhere holding him at ransom since history always repeats itself.

Confessions: Kenyan Pop Music Identity is a Fallacy

2007-04-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

A while back I vowed to turn off the radio for good. Kenyan music was all about kuwaka, kuhanya na kuparty. In other words, the repeated party themes were spinning my head into hatersdom. So I went to the musical priest to pour out my confessions after I was somehow convinced that we are back on the bandwagon to greatness and turned on the radio.

Priest (P): In the name of the performer, producer and white guy who owns the industry but since this is Kenya we must honor the promoter, the bootlegger and the shadowy mafia-like FM committee who determine which artist will get airplay.

Mawe (M): It has been 2 years since I listened to the boom box.

P: Why is this, my fan?

M: (Head bowed down) Kenyan pop artists have made think that there is no place for original thought in music.

P: My fan, this is normal for pop. What has been tried and tested will always work.

M: But how can every one have only three topics to sing about?

P: Are you serious? I haven’t noticed.

M: (Head rises) That’s why I am the first person to confess at your recording booth. They only rap about the number of chics on their arm or their clothes or their newly found fame. Firstly, a groupie on the arm is a hole without a brain, secondly, you can only say so much about fiber without sounding like a grumpy 60-year-old toothless chemist and you cannot continue saying you are rich if you only sell 2000 CDs and tapes in your whole music career.

P: Cool down, my fan. Don’t hate, appreciate.

M: I don’t hate I just state. And what is it with these guys putting on New York caps, G-Unit and Milwaukee Bucks Jerseys in videos, which are meant to be Kenyan? They seem to be in the dark about self-promotion. This is why Nonini will always have my respect for spearheading his Genge T-Shirts.

P: (Smiles cynically) You’re a bright little wannabe critic, aren’t you?

M: (Ignoring the comment) I cannot stand listening to a local music CD no matter what Nonini says. Genge or Local who cares? And he is actually the better of the other pop artists!

P: What’s wrong with what he’s doing, my fan? He doesn’t target the mature. He sings for the oppressed teen boy with a tissue and bar of soap or warm American Pie.

M: Ah, Yeah! But his protégé group P-Unit… He recently said on KTN’s Str8up teen news program that that group name is pronounced Poonit. Then he should write it as Poo-Nit. Later, after winning the CHAT Awards for their ‘Si Lazima’ track he switched back to P-Unit. Did he try to imitate G-Unit then just realized that it sounded lame? And our Kenyan ‘Cash Money Brother’ Prezzo just bought new grills!

P: My fan, I’m more about music than publicity stunts.

M: That’s just it. Aping is allowed but not so blatantly.

P: One imitates before he creates but I guess you have a point. You earn a bar for that.

M: I don’t rhyme but if I could I would rap about something relating to the country or my life. As much as I respect the K-South clique, they appear to be getting lost in their hard earned fame.

P: Watch it! You are treading on dangerous musical tracks, my fan?

M: Their recent singles will only go as far as the volatile Kenyan borders in the Mt. Elgon and Mandera to Garissa extremes. Bamboo raps about having a ‘weapon in his draws’ and ‘carrying heat’. No wonder he was kicked out of a US stage performance for rapping like Nas last year. He might just end up being shot, God forbid, by the trigger happy Kenyan Police. Of course we’ve all heard these lines in US Gangsta rap songs and we know that Bamboo was allegedly born again recently. So is Bamboo just dreaming or being poetic. Either way it all sounds too outlandish to help music in Kenya. Abbas on the other hand is all the rage with his new Crunk song. By the way, I’m still talking about Kenya. His flow is still hot as usual but the song titled ‘Chapaa’ has verses that precisely mimic Eminem’s style in one of his few collabos with Crunk King, Lil Jon. The previous crunk effort, ‘2050’ featuring Malik and Chiwawa was hot but too much of one thing is sickening and I suspect that there is still another Crunk song waiting in the wings.

P: My fan, lets take a musical rest. You seem to be very agitated.

M: I get no bar! I just made a huge point!
(Silence from the Priest) Anyway, I’ve nothing against Kenyan Rap but its not localized. They want to pimp their ride with aluminum foil, they carry heat under the hot sun, they don’t ruka they just two-step and whatever else they feel.

P: What about Jua Cali?

M: Jua Cali happens to be one of the few rappers who give Kenyan Rap an identity. Ukoo Flani have engineered Kenyan Hip Hop to a level of perfection that leaves other wannabes years behind.

P: You have been hard on the rappers. What about other genres?

M: RnB is still trying to find a footing but Wyre has the uncanny ability to both create and imitate without losing identity. Amani is doing quite well with the teen audience. When you listen to him you just know that it’s Wyre. The problem with Redsan is that he is so good at aping the Jamaicans at Ragga that you just have to accept him but he still has no identity.

P: My fan, that’s all good but we’ve Afro Fusion that’s at least sounding Kenyan?

M: Afro fusion is not Kenyan neither is it African. It’s a Western instrument-backed attempt at attracting tourists sang by Africans.

P: What? Please speak in clear terms my fan.

M: I can’t repeat that. My point is this. Kenyan Afro Fusion is still at the imitation stage. I have listened to a few songs and somehow Nameless has subtly switched to his genre without losing his identity. He still is not fully Afrofused but where he is seems to work. His nameless zone, so to speak. The rest are just attracting tourists sorry to say! Deux Vultures will still sound whack whether on their newly found afro tunes or not. Its only Dola Kabari, who made their last hit matter. Bottom line is-Kenyans are not behind you then you are not singing Kenyan. Eric Wainaina is backed, Harry Kimani is backed, Achieng’ Abura ish ish -I’m still to hear a track from her. Am ignorant like that but everybody praises her, Suzanne Awiyo is backed…
(A surprise knock at the booth interrupts the confession. Mawe chooses to ignore. The Priest shrugs it off thinking that it’s a falling drumstick)
…To be realistic very few presently famed artists can lay claim to maintaining and popularizing an authentic Kenyan sound to all ages. Maybe Tony Nyadundo and Mike Rua. Nyota Ndogo got extremely close to that level with ‘Watu na Viatu’. Contemporary Gospel is lost with Kora Award winning artists such as DnG releasing diss songs about sinful acts that he did and is trying to deny.

P: Perhaps he should go for confessions, huh?

M: Yeah, and not here!
(The priest almost chokes) Sorry about that. I’m just also not crazy about the silly Gospel Ragga songs with copy-paste lyrics. They take Choir Gospel Classics, dilute the content and make a party song for the new age, church blessed ndombolos, slide, chini kwa chini, belly dance etc.

(There is a knock again)

P: (Excited) Oh my Clef! I’ve another confessor maybe there is hope for Kenyan music after all!
(Sir Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Group and Virgin Records who recently visited Kenya to announce his plans to start Virgin Air in the region, walks in! The musical priest quickly chases Mawe away.)

P: In the name of the performer, producer and the white guy who will in future own the industry.
(Sir Branson smiles)

Wild Easter Holiday Blues- Chapter 1

2007-04-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

The Easter season was meant to be uneventful for me but there were other dishes on the menu planned by the Kujandani Chef. It all began on Thursday when I was willingly dragged into a strip joint by some of my perverted peers. This festival of ogling was quite exciting at first sight but in time transformed into a boring sloth. I guess it was the culmination of a jinxed day that was highlighted by snakes of traffic jams. Initially, I was stuck in town after successfully landing an unpaid training opportunity at a Five Star hotel (On my way to a million, huh!). I was thirsty for the brown bottle and a blasting of eardrums. This year I had managed to stay away from sloshing and slippy-staggering with asta la vista baby as my final words. The Pilsner bottle was astonished to see my tongue all down her throat. And we all know the ladies hate that but love it. I incidentally bumped into my partner-in-slosh and we expressed our desire to take part in the sweet sin. He had his girlfriend in tow but I openly spoke of my ill habit amid his pleadings to hush up as he twisted his face in buried shame.

It came to light that we both had Sahara desert whirlwinds in our pockets and the only way to stop this was by pocketing legal tender. We parted with promises to party on another day. Someone or something smiled back at me despite the gloomy ending of our conversation. I got a few notes before I boarded a matatu which snailed back home. I knew that the day was over but my slosh pal called and said IT’S ON. There were three of us, the KJ, Mong’are and Nyambs wannabes. I hurried back to the CBD (Central Bin City) but still there was traffic. The Someone or Something was playing mind games. It took an hour on a normally 15 minute journey. Jogoo Road proved to be menace on the even when heading to town on Good Friday’s eve at 8p.m. I eventually arrived after several flashbacks from my pals. They had assumed that I had blown them off.

The joint of oglers vs strippers is located just off the Tom Mboya Street roundabout close to the Nairobi Fire Brigade HQ. A bouncer and a lady who turned out to be a stripper as the night wore on welcomed us. The entrance fee was KSh.150 but we bargained our way to 300 for three. As we slid in with wannabe gangsta strolls, our eyes fell on a luscious girl dancing on a pole wearing a dress that seemed eager to fall off. We were almost attacked by a breast! Suddenly, our ‘other’ 5 senses kicked in and we heard the music from the speakers. Why did women have to be so sexy? We began taking in the red laser lights, the bar to our left and the round tables with surrounding chairs to the right. The far right had an elevated platform upon which the dance floor lay surrounded at the edges by red couches. The platform section was designed to conceal its seated occupants but reveal the heads of the boogieing revelers. The ladies of course offered lap dances at a fee and ranged from the trunk thick to the reed thin. Apart from a handful of ladies, the audience was predominantly male as opposed to the F2 club that always manages to strike a balance. Oh, yeah! The club is known as Liddos gentlemen and is relatively new. Its quite okay for a modest boys’ night but the music is still worse than the single MP3 that Easy FM seems to own (I remember hearing a song twice within 20 minutes when Didge was hosting the evening show in the matatu that I used on that day.

Hours passed by and boredom ensued. I needed a Prison Break...

To be continued

Sorry, but I wanna be daft

2007-04-13T04:04:00.000-07:00

The ladybird rock: Peugeot ad off the mark

The new Peugeot 207 has just arrived in Kenya and the ad is mind-boggling (at least to me). Two ‘ladybird’ (or is it lady bug? The males don’t rule in this species!) beetles are shown inside the beautiful machine that is parallel parked along a street. The bugs appear to be wrestling each other. The twists and turns involved in the beetle battle are apparently enough to make the 207 dance and bounce. The sound proofing of the car is so good that nothing inside can be heard. Passers by can only see the dancing car. Questions are:

Are the beetles getting it on or just wrestling?
If the beetles are so small then of course no noise from inside will be heard?

Violence in an ad: Unsuitable for under 18

Sunfill (from Coca Cola) has been sitting on top of flavored artificial juice market for a while but 5 Alive is on the way. I wonder whether the name is derived from the old Five Alive music group of the 90s, which consisted of Bob Kioko, Jimmy Gathu, Eric Wanaina and other insignificants (uh sorry…). Anyway, the 5 Alive ad shows stacked fruits that are shaking with fear as an extended boxing glove punches ‘em out to juiceland. It makes a ‘sensitive’ guy like me actually feel sorry for the fruits- RIP. Ati it’s supposed to be for the kids!

Opposite effects

2007-04-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

Ad Love
It all begins with two teens seated on a street bench, a pretty chic and jamaa (dude). The jamaa with a bag next to him starts humming the common signature Nokia ring tone. The chic is obviously bewildered but the jamaa persists. He suddenly checks his bag and pulls out a Coke bottle. The chic smiles coyly as she is handed the drink. The jamaa then says, “For you”

Now that’s the way to hook up! Hata Njoki Ndung’u hawezi kataa

Ad controversy
The world is turning into a major garbage heap of perverts. An ad placed by Armani in Spain to promote its new line of kids wear (Armani Junior) was pulled out since it was deemed to promote child sex. The poster featured two little girls standing next to each other in simple designer dresses. I really saw nothing weird about it but the fact that one could take it out of context in such a way really surprised me. This means that the several pics of 4-9 year olds just holding hands that most families have can cause such drama. That’s the most awful and sickening issue I have seen or heard in a while. Ashindwe!

THE PARALLEL KENYAN NEWS ROUNDUP

2007-04-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Now that I am a free jamaa having escaped the academic claws of campus, I’ve been visiting various offices with the quest of fattening my non-existent wallet. This virtual wallet of mine has to hold a million shillings by the time I hit 25, which is just a few months away but I am not one to be held down by time. If I can get through a Beyonce and Shakira belly dance in the ‘Beautiful Liar’ video (Damn! Such scenes should be illegal cause they can kill) then Kujandani Observatory must surely be able to figure out how to pocket a mill. The shoe pair that I had selected to cover my virgin feet is already cracking at the sole after a number of rejections at the hands of HRMs. The humble pie and ‘air’ burgers have frequented my stomach for a few weeks now. My multi pronged attack of job searches included the net, pals, snail mail and whatever else my inquisitive eyes landed on. MyJobsEye still charges guys for a net-based job search while there are a 1001 free job search sites like bestjobskenya.com and kazinow.com.

With the great Kenyan athletes bagging gold at the 2007 IAAF World Cross Country Championships held last weekend in Mombasa, I feel that I should be fit enough to do the same since my feet have covered all the backstreets of Nairobi. I think that I can become a Google Earth consultant for the Nairobi CBD hmmm... My job interviewers should not be astonished when I turn up in a pair of Nikes and a River Road assembled suit for a thorough grilling.

It was visibly frying hot at our coastal city and the athletes were prone to hallucinations. Our very own female runner, Koriang’, apparently finished the race with one lap to go. I almost thought that it was a backhanded Kenyan tactic when she raised her arms in the Women’s Junior 6Km race to claim victory. But all was not well when the Ethiopians also thought that the race was over and slowed down and gave the other more alert Kenyans space to dash to victory. Lynette Barasa certainly enjoyed the win that resulted from the unfortunate incident. Meanwhile, Koriang’ staggered off in a daze. We might as well say that she took one for the team.

The feared 5 time world champ, Kenenisa Bekele, in the Men’s Senior 12km race had an easy time tormenting the Kenyans as they lapped the field only to get a dose of his own medicine from an athlete from Ethiopia’s rival bordering nation of Eritrea. He dared the newly crowned champion, Zadese, to fly past him and the Eritrean performed a Roadrunner act. Mr. Coyote had to pause and quit in disbelief as Zadese whizzed to pole position without looking back. Perhaps he feared turning into a pillar of salt. Kenyan fans were quick to rejoice at this and for that time Zadese was a Kenyan. In an almost similar but less eventful fashion, Lorna Kiplagat the Danish Kenyan or should it be the Kenyish Dane, led the Senior Women 8km race right from the starters gunshot to the finishers tape break. Kenyans cheered her on despite her new nationality (Yeah, we never abandon family except if one is a Muslim then the government usually assumes that one is a terrorist). We thank our Muslim brothers though for tolerating the government as it licked the booty of President Bush. I actually supported their proposed (but called off) disruption of the championships. On the flip side, Kenya was defeated by England in the on-going Cricket World Cup in the Windies. I blame the government!?

Swaziland did not stand a chance against Harambee Stars in the Africa Nations Cup Qualifier match. Denis Oliech hammered in a goal to prove that the Hummer that he owns is not for nothing. It ended 2-0 and Kenyans were hyped. Of course we had to win. There was so much pent up soccer in us during the ban by FIFA. Let’s just hope that KFF (Kenya Football Federation or Kifafa) does not experience seizures into wrangling once again. That’s as likely as Raila Odinga and Martha Karua agreeing on who is to determine the new constitution. “It’s the people! It’s the people!” shout we the wananchi. Still on the topic of Hummers, it was very sad and funny that the Kenyan parliament found it vital to discuss Raila Odinga’s new H2 and the filming of sleeping parliamentarians two days ago. The daily recordings of the House’s proceedings in the Hansard must have read-
Pimping Raila’s Ride and televising of MPs getting 40 winks while in session was discussed. It was decided that members will be allowed to take 39 winks instead and the Hummer issue was resolved when Raila offered a ride to Hon. Kalembe Ndile, who brought up the matter on a standing order.

KPLC (Kenya Power and Lighting Company) unionized workers recently set the Kujandani record for the Briefest Strike. The union (KETAWU) promised a dark day in the Kenyan history books. This strike lasted for under 24 hours without any of the threatened power blackouts. I guess that the Sec Gen realized that if KPLC could survive without them then they might face retrenchment.

After posting the Theory of the Kenyan Silicon Valley in my previous blog (bugzzalot.blog.com), the economic bubble has finally burst and Kenyans are selling off their shares. I wonder why people do this when they can just sit it out and the prices will start rising again. This is like buying a shirt at 20 bob and selling it at 15 when as usual, fashion will circle back and make it worth 35-provided that you didn’t wear it. Scangroup has also announced that it is expanding to Nigeria. BABS Professor wannabes had predicted this in a half truth statement that assumed that they would expand to radio and TV but its all good. In line with our move to kujandani.blogspot.com, the now knowledgeable wannabes have renamed themselves Kujandani Amateur Biz School (KABS).

Words from the Kujandani Observatory

2007-03-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Fergie shares her wealth

Fergie of Black Eyed Peas new single ‘Glamorous’ was richly composed. The video and track is so sweetly laid back and high riding that you can feel the leather in her private jet. At the intro she spells out the title of the song in a way that puts you on cloud nine. Ludacris pastes his Grammy Award winning rap flow with graceful precision and in the process cements his hit making status.

A wannabe millionaire like me certainly appreciates a taste of the glamorous life.

The Media vs. Nonini

Nonini is back. He has released a new single that highlights his trials and tribulations as an artist. I previously said that Nons needs to switch up his flow. Well ‘Ngoma Yangu’ (or somethin’ like that) tries to do exactly that. He always sounds best when he speaks from his heart (remember ‘Waliotuwacha’). Most of his chic oriented songs rarely strike a chord with the few crazy mamaas that I vibe with unless they are under 16. “Si lazima” was good since he tried to tackle s-e-x maturely (Damn! I sound like a parent).

Juzi Saturday Nation’s Buzz magazine claimed that Nons is on the verge of disappearing into oblivion. Bugzzalot says, “NOT!!” Even Clay Court's Clay Muganda added fuel to the critic fire by saying that music can't exist without the media. I think Nons got exactly what he wanted for dissing the paparazzi media-controversy! He laughs last.

KBC selling chips?

There’s a joint that sells fries in Nairobi close to the city center known as KBC Chips! Is the Kenya Broadcasting Corporation expanding from media to the restaurant biz?

Streeeeeeetch ad for your aerobics

The ad promoting the Cross Country Championships and the Kenya Airports Authority sponsorship is a classic. Imagine walking through an airport where all the workers are doing some form of exercise as they serve you. The receptionists are squatting, the luggage carries are on their backs with their legs circling in the air and the airport engineers are stretching. Now if only they included the occasional plane hijacker performing some arm curls for the ladies and the air hostesses bench pressing for…

Ms. Bugzzalot-Advert

Its unanimous. The flyest chic in an ad is the Sunfill lady scout (or is it Ranger). Her lit up smile, clear heart soothing eyes, dimples and shy dmeanour are just part of the gems that she possesses. I get so weak…it earns her the Ms.Bugzzalot- Advert award.

Travel Advisory 1: Warning from an Assassin

2007-03-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

“My country is in a state of emergency. I stare at the living scarecrow known as the angel of death in the face everywhere that I turn but somehow I manage to crawl through all the dangers of the day. There was a time when I could explore a building in construction with my pals to play cha baba na cha mama. Try to do that presently and bricks will fall on you. I remember back then I could chillax with my siblings in the home and salivate for mum’s thick and tasty chapatis now police can snatch a four-year-old kid and his mother and claim that they are terrorism suspects. A while back I could face arrest from the cops for not carrying my ID card. The new Michuki rule is that I should be shot on sight with my proding fingers still searching for my ID card to show the trigger happy Boys in Blue. Their motto is Utumishi kwa wote. This should be converted to Risasi kwa Wote.”

The above piece of paranoia-induced paragraph is attributed to me. I am the assassin who has been sent from the Sin City to loot, kill and destroy. I operate more sleekly than the ancient Carlos the Jackal. You may call me Deadric the Entertainer. I have the power to pour out my confessions on the web and no one will ever dare to charge me because my cover is what people crave-Hollywood life. Yes! I drink and smoke. Puffing on that green stuff is not strange. My ghostly presence swishes through the world at the speed of death. Now I am in Kenya to spread my coal-feathered wings.

Recently, they likened me to 24. President Bush said that I am his favorite show because I tell the story of the threat of terrorism as vividly as his cloudless Texan night sky. This meant that half the time I get the wrong guy in prison. For instance, in the first few episodes of the time warping drama series, I thought that Hassad is the leader of terrorism ring instead of Al Fayed. Later, I arrested the dad of a real terrorist thus effectively giving his son room to close up the link of a nuclear bomb attack. Of course I am smarter than this. I laugh at the leader of the free world Ha Ha Ha!

My procedure of creating death or the image of it is so simple that I would easily succeed as a politician. I appoint A-List actors who have never graced the Oscar Awards’ red carpet and simply give them my script. Let me introduce you to one of my schemes that came together a few days ago in Central Province. I sent a figment of my imagination to claim that their were thieves at a certain road. Luckily my teenage target was in the vicinity. He was shot five times but still wriggled out of my hands. This miraculous event was highlighted in NTV news and despite the 40 shots that missed the non-existent thugs and hurt my innocent victim no cop was arrested. It may be possible that that if 41 bullets were fired then the police could have wounded the thief on his 40^th day (Siku za mwizi ni arobaini). Even when things go wrong I still come out on top.

My next victims actually died. This took place at Kariokor, Nairobi. Two thugs were caught by the public and handed over to the police. They were then shot down in cold blood. My policemen cum actors said that the thugs shot at them even though their arms were tied up and their gun magazines emptied while being pursued by the public.

Our Kenyan Muslim brothers got trapped in my most successful scheme yet. A number of them were arrested and deported to Somalia because they were suspected Al Qaeda fans and not Kenyan citizens. Their leaders complained that 25 of them were valid citizens and presented evidence of their Kenyan papers including their direct lineage to other citizens. My actors did an exemplary job in denying this. It has been months since these Kenyan families have seen their sons and daughters. As a result, the Muslims are planning to disrupt the IAAF Cross Country Championships to be held in Mombasa next Saturday.

An ODM activist recently suffered in my hands. The lady’s name was Mary Mbandi. She dared to contradict the First Lady’s views on the opposition and did not know that I had my actors present to make sure that such a ‘crime’ is broadcasted. She was briskly whisked away into the Criminal Investigations Department Headquarters but was lucky that her plight was aired in the media before I could take over.

Our revered wild animals in National Parks and Reserves are not spared either. I am in the process of creating a need for sport hunting. Could Lord Delamere once again cock his gun from remand and shoot another ‘human animal’ may be a Prison Guard or two? Anyway, I am trying desperately to find actors who will quickly set out the agenda that closes out the communities who need to benefit from this income generating activity.