The questions after the answers (Re-UP)

Tiz been too long since I posted my crap on this personal space but I have been getting most of guys’ comments on e-mail (thansk a bunchk).

Am I a millionaire?

I thought that the next time I would jot anything here, I would be a millionaire. Guess what! I’m still scraping the bottom of the African keg pot. I cannot complain much though. My vision is still alive and burning. By the way, anyone who needs a video operator and editor, just holla! At least I am getting a few side hustles to push me into the not so bleak future.

Every verse in hiphop seems to be an extension of the ‘bling’ culture. Just imagine if all rappers were banned from dropping lines that speak directly about the dolla dolla bill. 80% of the songs out there would not exist. Crunk would die and underground cats would be ruling the charts. The problem would be- will anyone be buying the music? We are all in love with the legal greenery that lines our pockets.

Am I ODM or PNU?

Frankly, I’ll answer that at the ballot box. The majimbo issue is not as contentious as it’s hyped up to be. After all, it can’t be implemented until the constitution is changed and that will be in 6 months as proposed by ODM. So why is everyone panicking? It will be up to us anyway! Si ati Raila akiingia majimbo itamfuata!!

FYI, I have a voting card so I can afford to piss people off diplomatically.

Am I married?

Sadly, NO but half of my friends are, so am not a bachelor through diffusion. Whether it’s come-we-stay or customary like the Prezzi’s second…(Oops! Mama Lucy might just raid my blog). Aaaanywho, mtaa yangu has so many fly sweet mamas who are hooked up and knocked up that every time I want to talk to any of the beautiful ones (who were already born and married) I’ve learnt to be very very wary. But people are still cheating on each other!! Oh yes! We have two (NOT one but TWO!) neighborhood sleeping mats who happen to be ‘married’.

Do I have internet on my phone?

The answer is no. I have porn on my phone that I can’t avoid (Kirk Franklin should be my role model). At least, he tore free of this habit. Every site I visit on the phone has an uninvited link to an over 21 cybersex site. From chat rooms to ringtone sites, they just happen to pop up in your face.

And any sensible download has issues with my handset such as “Error: subscribe for packet data”. Is there any help out there since Safcom’s Customer Care does not CARE? Their help centers are always like the traffic jam (honey, peanut butter etc.)in the city. I might just switch to Celtel but all my pals are locked in the same trap.

Am I complaining about hawkers?

Doesn’t matter since I don’t have a car and I can buy stuff at a price next to free and still bargain. But I’ve noticed that Nairobi now officially has peak hours at all hours. I must admit that juzi I was conned very sleekly. A man quickly approached me as I walked in the streets and proudly announced that he was giving me three pairs of socks for free. This obviously knocked my socks off (no pun intended). Just when I extended my hand to get them, he held back and added that I had to buy another two pairs first at 200 bob. He urged me that his boss was just on the opposite side of the road gauging his skill at sales so I got to decide in a hurry. With all my emotions aptly stimulated and twisted , I accepted the deal since I had extra cash. It is only later that I realized that I had paid for each and every pair because in Nairobi one does not have to search far to get a pair of socks at 40 shillings. 5 pairs for 40 bob!! Ati he had convinced me that the three are free.

LASTLY, GUESS WHO'S BACK??

THE MILLION SHILLING TIME OUT!

Fans, Haters and Fellow countrymen, I am taking a time out from the blog just to get my ish together! Tafadhali eleweni. Asante for all your support. I'm still trying to get that million by the time I hit 25-A FEW MONTHS TO GO... Call it faith!!!!!!!!!!! And I have zilch in my pocket

Here are the 500,000 jobs for 2007

There is a possibility that the elusive job market has just uncovered a new avenue for generating the half a million jobs that the government promised to create each year. The Music Copyright Society of Kenya (MCSK) recently decided to implement the long-standing law of collecting royalties from public performances. This law is common in several countries. I can only imagine how many people will be needed to implement it in Kenya since the below will be possible culprits:
The noisy rebellious teenager
The village shop
Churches
All exhibition stalls
All bars (I mean absolutely ALL bars)
Concerts
Radio stations
Buses and matatus
1 moon (not star) hotels a.k.a vibandas
Mama Pima’s illicit joint
Company organized events
Politician’s campaign ralies (Coming soon)
All legit and shady radio stations (The ones that just happen to invade the frequencies of Kiss/Capital/Easy FM that you love to listen to)
Graduation parties
Weddings
Funerals
Etc etc.

MCSK promises to implement this law to the letter. If they are to collect from all these guys then they will definitely need an infinite amount of labor.

Come. Let us reason together???

Come. Let us reason together.The following takes place between 12a.m. and 2a.m at a date x in the year 2007...
The Mungiki Defense Council (MDC), the Kenyan Cabinet and ODM-Kenya’s consensus committee formerly known as the council of elders (plus a few of the party’s big wigs) met at an undisclosed venue to discuss the recent massacres and/or beheadings conducted by both sides on innocent victims.

MDC were accused by the cabinet of the recent spate of killings in and around the Central province and the illegal distribution of human body parts to various villages. They in turn argued that the government could be blamed for a similar thing. The police killed 21 people in one night. ODM’s Raila Odinga claimed that only two out of the 21 were Mungiki. When he was requested to provide proof he said that he would present the list soon to parliament. Our internal security minister, John Michuki proclaimed that if this was so then why had no one openly declared the innocence of any of the 21. William Ruto blamed the honorable minister of scaring the wits out of the Mathare people, where the massacre had taken place. He added that there is no person in their right mind who would like to be associated with the Mungiki in any way at this point in time lest either the police or the MDC puts his/her head on a platter.

Amid the smell of tobacco snuff and underwearless MDC, one of them protested that the government had previously promised them land just after winning the elections in 2002. Njenga Karume laughed and muttered that this never happened but now that the matter was being discussed it might as well be used for negotiation. Never mind his rumored relation to Ndura Waruinge and Maina Njenga who were both leaders of the dreaded sect. Hon. Fred Gumo shot back by asking why the Defense Minister was considering negotiations with savages who like walking commando style. He further added that they were probably skinning their victims and making underwears from them. One of the tobacco chewing MDC shouted that they only drank blood. His colleagues stared at him with some disgust plus a dose of utter astonishment. He had broken the oath of secrecy that had been taken by some Central Province leaders at a meeting at Village Inn just after the 2002 elections as alleged by a certain MP.

Hon Raila shifted his ‘Gor Mahia’ goal posts to attack the absence of President Kibaki at the meeting. He argued that this was tantamount to assuming that the Mungiki matter was not being taken seriously by the government. The only man in the Kibaki government, Minister Martha Karua, defended her boss by telling off the feigned concern from Raila. She said that the President did not have to be present to prove that the matter was of national importance. After this, she queried why the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) had to interview a Mungiki spokesman when the government had adequate representatives to speak on the issue. Mutula Kilonzo quipped that they probably trust Mungiki rather than the legit Kenyan leadership judging from how the government had treated John Githongo, the man who ‘tried’ to uncover the several cover-ups of the Anglo-Leasing scandals.

The meeting ended abruptly when a new crisis arose. There had been a bomblast at close to Ambasedeur Hotel. The Mungiki were apparently to blame since almost all the suspects who were arrested were proclaimed to just have been plucked from the streets because of their Arabian look and wear!
NB: The above is a work of fiction any resemblance to true characters is VERY intended and NOT coincidental.

BUDGET 2007/8
My cell phone was pick-pocketed (so I’m not connected) a while ago but I expected our Honorable Finance Minister Amos Kimunya to at least reduce tax on our ever competing mobile service providers, Safaricom and Celtel. Juzi my pal discovered the beauty of the M-Pesa money transfer service from Saf’com. He was at initially skeptical about using such a way of sending money but after following the instructions and confirming that the money had virtually moved from Nairobi to Kakamega in less than a few minutes he had one thing to say, ”Daddie, si hii kitu ni noma”. Safcom has now reduced all tariffs despite the government stand… Damn that thief!

The point is a cell phone is a core instrument in communication. In addition to the normal biz of talking, one can surf the net, share photos, shoot vidz and police can track down a thug! How could have the minister excused his mishap by claiming that the increased budget allocation for laying of fibre optic cable would eventually aid ICT. This is true but who is willing to wait for the years of tenders and procurements to implement this. Not me, when I watch the 2010 World Cup live in South Africa I might just extend my stay!

And since when was mineral water a luxury? I have seen friends nearly pass away from the degradable state of normal tap water (They allegedly use chalk instead of chlorine for purification!) Please give us a break Kimunyesnyes! Let us drink and stay healthy. Do not increase excise tax on this commodity… I guess that I am preaching to the choir.

Since the Women’s Fund is up and running, children also need a peek into the legal tender vaults?!

What's goin on?

CapitalFM vs. KissFM
Ever since KissFM snatched the Fanta CHAT (Chaguo la Teeniez) Award from CapitalFM earlier this year, invisible battle lines have been drawn between the two radio stations. The latest campaigns are geared towards drawing the enemy lines. A few weeks ago Kiss conducted a win-a-dream-Victorian-wedding campaign that was beautiful but splattered with the harsh colors of controversy. There were claims that the winners just happened to be also close friends of the stations management.

Recently, CapitalFM has been advertising a chance for a makeover of a lucky winner. The ad begins with a majestic voice-over promise of a complete transformation of the winner. The scream of an overjoyed lady follows then the voice declares, “No! We’re not going to get you married!”

All I can say is – DIRECT HIT!


Koinange: Out of CNN?
There are nasty rumors creeping about that the incomparable baritone-voiced Jeff Koinange was thrown out of the Cable News Network due to fabricating stories about Africa. The former KTN (Kenya Television Network) journalist, who rose through the ranks of CNN at the speed of tomorrow’s breaking news, was accused of paying for opportunities to tell stories. He allegedly had an affair with his producer (or something/someone). They later crossed wires and a fall out ensued resulting in his demise and revealing of his ‘dirty shuka’. Apart from Zhane Verjee, who now plies her trade in Asia, he is the only other Kenyan reporter who can lay claim to setting the agenda when it came to stories about Africa. He is a married man and great reporter… Please say it ain’t so!


The best job in Kenya
The continually beautiful Janet Mbugua is the person with the best job in Kenya. She is the lucky host of Out and About Travel Show on KTN. Check out a sample of her job description
v Ability to look good under the sun
v Ability to tolerate having your 30 minutes of fame every week while in casual wear
v Ability to eat a five star meal
v Ability to travel
v Ability to talk and smile
v Ability to attend a spa
v Ability to boil an egg in Lake Bogoria
v Ability to enjoy sailing
v Ability to pay for absolutely nothing in terms of travel expenses while still receiving a salary.
Even a retired president does not come a light year close to that!?

Ambition of Kenyan Wannabe Millionaires

These are strange times in my web of thoughts. Nothing seems to be lining up to spin off some weird idea. May be I’ve been breaking my back to please whoever it is who pushes the pen to write the story of my life. It might be God, my boss and/or me.

I have in the past few weeks been meeting with several of my pals from high school or campus. It is always nice to see a familiar face from my slowly aging past. Some told me that I‘ve not changed one bit. What’s your secret? One might ask. Nothing, I’m still young by any standards.

Well, these few weeks are forming a chain of links that seems to be preparing me for something. I’ve particularly had this sinking feeling the whole of this week that something is about to happen. This is because like any human being I fear the unknown but in the last few days its been worsening. I think that this might just be a heightened level of paranoia since I’ve some new life projects that will certainly be left at the hands of others. I have done all that I could. Now, I can only leave everything else to hope.

A few days ago my dad was serving me a dish of how I can be all that I can be. These talks usually arise when he is slightly tipsy. Alcohol does that to the otherwise introverted emotions of most men. I’m starting to learn that as much as I try to control my destiny, there is always someone else pushing the buttons. The trick is to learn how and when to respond to the commands/opportunity. I pray…

Mysterious ladies in my life are all either on the verge of friendship or courtship. I feel young and breath young yet think old. It is said that the young are taking over. My non-existent voters card will suddenly be important. But whom should I ballot for. I still feel short changed.

“Ndio hii barabara. Si mnaiona. Kazi inafanyika” is simply not enough. I see wealth so it’s just a matter of touching it. I am sure it’s going to stream down sooner than I think. I can see more opportunities. I am taking more opportunities. I am creating more opportunities. But that is also not enough. I read somewhere that entrepreneurship does not necessarily mean financial independence but it surely means that there will be no more chained brains in future Kenyan generations. Every time that I have met anyone from the past, they have asked the question What do you do? or What you up to? At least so far there have been concretely truthful answers but I still have an itch on my ambitious skin. Yesterday my supervisor warned me against tending to veer off outside normal thought protocol (Yeah, company principals- you know!). I saw some and no point in this because most of the time I ended up stopping an error that might have blown up in our faces. It’s all about regulating the purported idle time in my head. Veering off along this mental road is allowed so long as I do not crash.

I wonder how it is possible for a few tobacco snuffing, mountain worshipping youth to kill their own in order to further a selfishly thought out agenda. Mungiki adherents are lost somewhere in between cannibalism and human sacrifice. The very people they are apparently trying to help are the same ones that they are killing. Their leaders are meanwhile seating at the top echelons of government. How can we negotiate on such terms? But at the same time the police are killing citizens without question. 21 people died in Mathare in a single night a few days ago in the name of getting rid of the Mungiki menace. None of them was used to rat out the workings of the cannibals. This definitely means that the government has finally owned up to the fact that they know these murderous agents. The Kibaki rulership has a tendency to self destruct. Amid all these chaos there is still the Ambition of Wannabe Millionaires. Most youth who want to ‘actually earn’ their hard earned cash.

PUZZLES OF LIFE
After all this time white people still can’t dance.
Since Einstein their have been no revolutionary original geniuses.
The world’s poorest always have the most kids.
Down or up, what do women want with the toilet seat?
All serial killers just happen to be Caucasian whether in reality or movies.
5 Star hotels literally throw out tonnes of fresh food each day (NB: This food is rarely touched by the guest including unopened soft drinks).
Kenyan housemaids always tend to have either a green skirt and a red shirt or vice versa that they always wear together.
The length of ones arm i.e wrist to elbow, is one’s shoe size.

A Hole in the wall in CHORA BIZNA competition
Kujandani Amateur Business School (KABS) professor wannabes have been keenly perusing Postbank’s Chora Bizna business proposal competition. Its been noted that while there is a provision to ensure confidentiality of any submitted ideas the fine print absolves the proprietors and judges of the competition from any legal action from vijana kama sisi. In the final page of the form that one is supposed to fill before submission, it clearly states that one has agreed not to bring up any lawsuit against the guys behind the executive desk. So what’s the point of them promising confidentiality? But I did take my idea nevertheless. The 100 bob I had to pay before submission was chump change compared to what I went through preparing a convincing 3 page executive summary. I now know more about what I should put into achieving my journey to millionairehood. May the best win the KSh. 1 million on the roulette destined for the top proposal of among the thousands!